I’m learning a whole lot in this new role as a pastor.
I was called late Friday afternoon, by a guy who has been attending New Passion faithfully and who was a major part of a former student ministry where I served in a neighboring town.
His sister in law passed away suddenly from a virus a week prior and they asked if I would say a few words from a pastoral standpoint at a graveside funeral the next afternoon, that they were putting together for the sister-in-law’s family before they had to leave town. I agreed, but reluctantly because I’ve never “officiated” a funeral before.
The husband had no insurance, so they could not afford an elaborate funeral. Her family wanted to cremate the body, but her husbands family wanted to give her as much of a proper burial as possible. They settled on a “Green Burial” where the casket and the body will return to the earth over a matter of time.
I did everything I thought I was supposed to do. I said everything I prepared to say; shared all of the verses that I thought were appropriate. I spoke with the family and did my best to console them and encourage them. But, something just felt weird. In the middle of the quick service, I felt empty. Although I was the one talking, it was as if I was not there, only looking in on the family that was staring at this mound of dirt, where the 24 year old daughter-in-law and wife was buried a day prior. My words rang hollow in my own head. I couldn’t help but to think that there was nothing I was saying that was making a difference. Sure you may be holier than me and say that Scripture always makes a difference, but I would beg to differ.
If I was standing at a grave site burying my 24 year old wife, I think in my devastation I would tune everything out. I know I probably said it 10 times that there was nothing I could say that would take the sting of this death away in that moment. I am not sure if it was even heard. Is there anything that can be said when a family is standing there soaked in their tears, dealing with such a great loss? I will forever hate doing funerals. I don’t understand how pastors can perform them as if they are another service. Though I have lost loved ones and I have been a Paul Bearer and attended many funerals the reality of death never struck me in this way before.
As I prepared to leave, the Mother-in-law walked to my car with me and talked with me further. Before I got into the car, she handed me a thank you card sealed in an envelope. I didn’t want to be presumptuous that they had given me any money, because that is not why I was there, so I didn’t even respond that they ‘didn’t have to do that’ as she gave me the card, in case it was just a simple ‘Thank you.’ They did give me a financial gift, but I’ve never felt so wrong about money in my life! Regardless of what that money is used for, whether bills or ministry or anything else, I cannot get over the fact that it required someone dying for me to obtain that money. It may seem simple for some, but two days later, I cannot shake that thought. As I drove away, I had the thought, “What can really be said in that moment of saying goodbye?” Do we really know? Or do we only pretend to know? Maybe I am weird, but this funeral was the toughest thing I have ever done.
Join the Conversation…What has your experiences with death and funerals been?
I HATE funerals.. i mean HATE with a passion. When i die, i dont want a service.. i want a HA_UUUUUUUUGE partay! Not joking.. no black will be worn. Maybe i’ll have a “white party” Like P-Diddy… I think funerals are just so draining.
On that note, you did the best you could, Nick. I dont think funerals are comfortable for ANYONE, except the mortician! Its one of the things in life that no one wants to go thru, to attend, or to hear about!
.-= Kat Hoppe´s last blog ..Where ARE my bon bons? =-.
You may feel like it took someone dying for you to get that money, but in reality my friend, you did something for that family that no one else could. You filled a need they had. They may not have literally heard the words you spoke, but their ears consumed them. They are in the brains of those who were there. And God said His word will not go out and come back without purpose. Trust Him in that.
I know few pastors who “like” doing funerals. Doing one for someone you don’t know is the most difficult. But you did well. Stop beating yourself up for it and recognize you were a tool in God’s hands at that moment for a purpose no one right now may understand.
.-= Faye´s last blog ..Black Friday =-.
Wow…so much thought. I believe the “hope that passes all understanding” is not only for the family but for the ones trying to minister to the family. I’ve been a part of several funerals and your words really do feel empty compared to the emotional weight everyone is carrying with them, but WE HAVE HOPE. Sounds like you did far better than I could have done in that situation. Share more as you work through this.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..As Bad As It Can Get… =-.
Unfortunately I have been to many funerals. I lost 3 of the most important people in my life by age 26. I am not sure there is much you can say except for reminding the people left behind (that is how I felt) that our loved ones are now at peace and God is with us.
It’s good to be reminded and comforted. I am sure you did great.
Nick, your humble words of discomfort reminds me of how fragile we are as human beings. I am also reminded of the amazing sacrifice of our Jesus so we could get an “envelope” of salvation. Life is not fair…especially for so many believers.
We may not understand our different waves of emotion in difficult times, but we can stand on the hope of the incredible promises of God!
Nick, thank you for sharing your vulnerability & I’m sure you were indeed a comfort in this family’s great sorrow.
Nick, I am the Mother-In-Law of the deceased. I was going to email you in order to Thank You again for being so willing to speak words of comfort to the family. I saw this page and was deeply touched in such a good way that I had to publish some of my thoughts for all to see what an unselfish and a humble servant of God you are. Your willingness to be a servant of the family ordained by God in His ministry has been of great service to the family in our time of lose. Be comforted in knowledge as you seek the will and the word of God as a pastor. The words you spoke were very meaningful and was the first step in helping us to begin to deal with the grief and sorrow we feel over our lose. The Lord gave you an opportunity to share His love with us through your comforting words. As you know I buried my Mother 7 months earlier and your words comforted me in the emptiness I feel in my heart over that lose. So in other words you were not only ministering to me for the lose of my daughter-in-law but also unknowingly for my mother too (even though we had 2 pastors officiating that service). Again, Thank You so much Nick!
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